50 tips to avoid being mugged

1. Don't go out at night.
2. Especially by yourself.
3. Travel with a group of people.
4. Or at least one really, really big person. Hey, it might help.
5. Don't walk down dark alleys.
6. Or any alleys.
7. Carry a gun.
8. Or two.
9. Or ten.
10. In the open.
11. Carry your gun in your hand when walking down a dark alley.
12. Pepper spray. Yeah, whatever.
13. Talk really loudly to yourself.
14. Preferably about crazy stuff, such as, "Sheep! Sheep! Elect the sheep for cardinal!"
15. If you have to take a bus or subway, sit in a corner hunched up and look really tough. Give your best Clint Eastwood impression.
16. Be a cop.
17. In uniform.
18. Bitch really loudly to yourself about how broke you are or how you just got mugged and all your money is gone.
19. Don't carry obvious electronics that are expensive, such as a laptop or iPad.
20. Better yet, don't carry any electronics.
21. Other than maybe a cell phone. Everybody's already got one, so who'd want to steal yours?
22. Plus you can keep that cell phone handy to call for help.
23. Just make sure it's a cheap cell phone.
24. Like one of those big ones from the '80s. You know, the one's that weigh a ton and the phone is connected to a big, black box by a cord.
25. Better yet, keep anything that looks valuable out of sight.
26. Walk a really big dog.
27. Or a grizzly bear.
28. Or a komodo dragon.
29. If you think you are being followed, go someplace that has lots of light.
30. And lots of people.
31. And cameras, too, wouldn't hurt.
32. If you're out at night, don't leave your car.
33. And keep the doors locked and the windows up.
34. Don't stop at stop lights or stop signs if you're in a shady part of town.
35. Or if you see someone who looks shady hanging out near the lights or signs.
36. Be aware at all times of people who are around your vehicle, especially at stops.
37. Make sure you are in good shape physically.
38. So you'll be able to run.
39. Or fight, if you absolutely have to.
40. Don't be stupid and where sunglasses at night just because you think it's cool. It hinders your eyesight, doofus.
41. If you carry a bag, keep it strapped around your neck and not just hanging from your shoulder.
42. Don't go into unfamiliar areas late at night by yourself.
43. Carry some change for emergency phone calls.
44. If you are out driving late at night and see an accident or crime, do not become involved. Drive to the nearest place of safety and then call the proper authorities.
45. If you are out walking, walk with confidence.
46. And make eye contact with people. It'll show you are serious.
47. If you become involved in a physical confrontation with someone, your main goal should be survival, usually by escape. If you see a chance to get away, then flee the situation.
48. Don't go up to an ATM late at night.
49. Especially by yourself.
50. Carry a glass bottle in your hand while walking. To make it look more natural, have it be a soft drink or something. You don't want to have to use a bottle as a weapon, but a potential mugger might see the bottle as a threat and pass you by.