Guest post: Martha Stewart and The Pumpkin Pot Pie Disaster

There has been a lot of talk about Martha Stewart in my household lately because a friend of mine is creating a Martha Stewart blog, so it was only natural my wife would have her own Martha Stewart related story. She wanted me to pass it along, so this is it.

I am the youngest child of six children in my family. My mother was an amazing cook. She was one of those cooks who could really cook anything. She shared her recipes and taught my older sisters and even my brothers to cook. She taught me how to set the table.

I was working full time before I graduated college and, like most ambitious people, I focused on my career and chasing that American Dream. I worked very hard to have a nice home and beautiful things. My home was clean and organized, mostly because I didn't have time to enjoy it. I wasn't exactly domestic in those days.

Then I turned thirty and decided to learn to cook. About time, right? Well, I am an all-or-nothing kind of gal, so I didn't start with a simple dish appropriate to my skill level. No, I went full-on Martha Stewart!

I decided to use a Martha Stewart recipe to make these beautiful chicken pot pies you bake in real pumpkins with a pastry top. Now I had a well-equipped kitchen, top-of-the-line cookware and gadgets. Pristine really, because those gadgets had never been used.

I went and bought the best and freshest ingredients and planned it all out perfectly. Or so I thought. I made no accommodations for the fact I had no skills in the kitchen and no idea what I was in for. I actually invited my family over for dinner!

One of my sisters asked what I wanted her to bring. I told her I was cooking. The phone went silent, but I could still hear her trying to think of a gracious way out of my invite.

I called one of my brothers to invite him and he asked what I wanted him to bring. I told him I was cooking everything. My brother has never been one to spare my feelings, and then he began laughing uncontrollably and said he wouldn't miss my meal for the world. He also muttered something about this being his Christmas card that year.

Well, I did not let any of this dissuade me. I was so determined.

You know how on television you watch chefs chop and dice and make it look easy? It's not. Clearly it was divine intervention that I made it through chopping onions with all my fingers intact, and in under an hour.

I began with homemade chicken stock. By the time I cut the vegetables and herbs and got the chicken and spices together and measured, I was two hours in. Next I made the dough for the crust. Seemed simple enough. It wasn't. I didn't know any of the tricks I know now about chilled butter in small pieces and iced water and even chilling the flour and cutting it all together. I used a room temperature whole stick of butter and a spoon and ... let's just say it didn't go well.

Then came the pumpkins. I bought pie pumpkins and cut them and cleaned them. That took about two more hours. You had to roast them a bit first and then add the chicken pot pie mixture and pie crust for baking. I thought I had it all under control. I didn't! The dough kept sliding off the pumpkins and sinking down inside. I tried to make more dough, but it was awful. I finally ran to the store and bought ready-made pie crust (Martha, forgive me) and began to fashion a topper for the pumpkins. Nothing worked. By this time the pumpkins were starting to pucker and wrinkle. It was hideous.

There is no happy ending to this story. It gets worse.

I actually served what was, at this point, toxic waste to my snickering siblings. Did I mention they were evil? They have never let me live that disaster down, no matter how many of my culinary triumphs they've devoured since.

That fateful night we ordered pizza and I endured the ridicule and the subsequent therapy that would follow.

But my table setting looked beautiful. Martha would have been proud.

Guest post: Proving The Worth of Martha Stewart During Tough Times

A friend of mine is considering starting a blog in which every day she will detail something she learned from Martha Stewart. She asked me to post this article, which would be the first on her blog, to see what kind of response she gets. So, here goes!

Like most of the nation, my husband and I are in a serious financial situation. I do not think I am overstating, every penny counts. We’re beyond coupon clipping and less luxuries. We are making serious sacrifices. Now I fully understand those businesses that have those “Everything Must Go” sales.

We have sold absolutely everything we do not need. It started with our personal collections. My husband had an extensive and unique book collection, and I had the complete collection of the Department 56 Halloween Village (I had been collecting them for years) and my designer handbags. I cried actual tears over my Kate Spade and Coach purses as they went to their new homes. Nothing, but nothing, could have prepared me for selling my beautiful furniture.

My dining room table and chairs, the sideboard, the cabinet and hutch -- even my wool rug -- GONE. When my husband and I were first married, we waited months and saved to buy just the right pieces from Pottery Barn (or “Heaven on Earth,” as I call it). I thought we would have those pieces forever. We’re down to a sofa, two beds and the desk and chair upon which sits this computer I’m writing with.

At the end of the day, it’s just stuff. We’re together with a roof over our heads and we’re grateful. But recently we had another “budget summit” and tried to see where we could cut back just a little more. Well, my husband suggested I stop getting my Martha Stewart Living magazine. I suggested he … well, there are things I won’t write here. I have made a lot of sacrifices, but Martha really keeps me going. I can’t quit her! I began to explain to the Neanderthal I married that the little comfort and beauty we have in our lives is largely due to Martha Stewart. I argued that every single day I do something or cook something or use a product I got from Martha Stewart. He said, “Every day?” I said, “EVERY DAY!” He said, “Prove it.”

So here I go.

For the next 365 days, I am going to blog about "My Daily Martha,” to justify keeping my magazines in the budget. I really do use them. I love Martha Stewart! Everyone thinks you need a billion dollars and a staff of professionals to pull it off “Martha style,” but you don’t. You need patience and time. I’m learning to be more patient and the one benefit of unemployment is TIME! I invite you to follow along this journey with me.

10 ways to annoy a telemarketer

1. Ask questions: Turn the conversation around quickly by asking questions. But not just any question. No, no, you want to ask questions that will lead the conversation away from whatever it is the telemarketer is trying to get you to buy or do. Get personal. Ask their name. Ask how to spell it. Ask them how many kids they have, are they married, where did they go to school. Stuff like that. And don't forget to ask for their address, personal phone number, social security number and credit card numbers.
2. Bait and switch: What do you do for a living? Do you make something or sell something? Make sure to let the telemarketer know about it, and then try to sell them your product!
3. Lovey dovey: Wait to hear the telemarketer's opening spiel, then ask them out on a date. Or better yet, ask them to marry you. This will work best if they are the same sex as you.
4. Waiting ... waiting: When you answer the phone, tell the telemarketer that you are in the middle of something and ask them to give you just a few seconds. Once they agree, set the phone down and then go on your merry way and do whatever it is you were going to do anyway. Check the phone in an hour and see if they are still there. They won't be.
5. Act drunk: That's right. Act drunk. Act a fool. Call the telemarketer by another name, any name, just not the one they gave you. Slur your words. Drop the phone a couple of times. Curse at imaginary people. Talk to yourself. Ask the telemarketer to hurry up and come over and bring another case of beer.
6. Keeping it in house: Once the telemarketer tells you what company they are calling for, inform them that you work for the exact same company. Oh joy! What a coincidence! Now the two of you can talk shop!
7. Can you hear me now?: TALK IN A VERY LOUD VOICE! If they ask you to speak lower, tell the telemarketer that you can't hear a word that they're saying, and ask them to speak louder.
8. Kids today: Use a slightly high voice and inform the telemarketer that you are a child and that your parents won't be home until later. If the telemarketer asks for a time to call back, give them a time in which you know for sure you will not be home.
9. Pizza, anyone?: When a telemarketer calls, act like they are the pizza delivery driver calling to get directions. Just make sure not to give them real directions. No matter what the telemarketer says to you, act as if you can't hear them real well and keep talking as if they are from the pizza company.
10. Turn it up: When you realize you've got a telemarketer on the phone, turn on a near television or radio REALLY LOUDLY and just set the phone down in front of the speakers. Leave it there. Come back in a few minutes and your phone line will be cleared.

Other annoying links

10 ways to annoy people at the office

10 ways to annoy people in the drive- thru

100 ways to annoy your boss